everysecond | IC Voicemail

[Scrawling drawing of a red pepper. With a stethoscope.]

[The fuck is that? A red blob with a necklace?

No wait. Pepper. It's a...

ahahahahaha.

How about a picture of an egg with devil horns?]

the hell is that one?

deviled egg

what the hell is a deviled egg

you haven't had one yet?

because i'd totally ask you if i ever have, genius

so learning to make them so you can have one

so important

fine just don't kill me with your cooking.

[It feels good to laugh. To be talking to her again, to have that relief of knowing she's here. Even if the pressure of what's happened is coming back, pushing on her skin like something physical.]

how come you aren't even mad. i basically fuck off and ignore you and don't come home and you act like i was never gone.

[She asks not because she's upset with Riley, but because she's upset with herself. She knows how mad she'd be, how mad she was -- and Riley acts like it's nothing, like she forgives her without a second thought, like she always trusted that Ellie would come back. Riley's always been like this.]

[There's so many things she could say to that. Some magic thing or saying she actually was pissed when she wasn't or actually scolding her. Riley knows that Ellie would probably take it. And if she doesn't then they'd fight and shit would go down.

But the fact is that she's not pissed and wasn't and...

Well, the answer is simple.]

i knew you'd come back for me

[It's not like Riley hasn't seen Ellie cry before, but she's kind of glad that she isn't here to see it now. The long silence means more than anything she could say. Riley has always believed in her.

Ellie doesn't know whether it's stupid or not, but -- Riley's right.]

where are you?

park. want me to wait? or come?

the park is good. not totally ready for the house

i'll stay here then. see you soon?

[Yeah, soon.

It won't take long for Ellie to get there. She smells like horse and hay, she's been hanging out in the stable a lot lately, riding around. The dust of it is in her hair, brushed against her clothes.

When she sees Riley, she tries for a smile.]

Hey. You okay?

[Riley's on her back, juggling rocks with her mind when Ellie comes up. Setting them aside so they don't fall on her, she looks at her girlfriend with a smile.]

Yeah. I'm okay. You?

[Even if Riley's acting casual, she can sense her worry a mile away. She loves her for it, the ability to allow Ellie to act as strong as she truly wants to be, while inviting her to talk if she needs it.

Ellie takes a deep breath and thinks about how she wants to answer, takes the steps toward her slowly, until she's sitting down next to her.

After a few seconds, she heaves a huge sigh and flops across Riley's chest and stomach, heavy dead weight. Oof. After a moment, she gives up the posturing and twists to wrap her arms around Riley and hug. Tightly.]

OOF!

[That air rushes out of her but then she wraps her arms around her girlfriend, petting her hair. If Ellie doesn't want to say shit then she doesn't have to. Riley's still there for her.

Like she said, she knew her girl would come back to her.]

Sorry.

[Ellie intends to say something, honest, but then Riley starts touching her hair. The tension in her shoulders slips away, and she sighs.]

You know those hallucinations we had?

Yeah.

[She keeps petting her, offering what comfort she can. It's probably not much but at least it's something.]

I thought it was Winter again, and I ran. ... Joel came after me.

[She trials off again, shuts her eyes. Fights to keep her voice steady.]

I didn't know it was him.

[Riley doesn't need Ellie to say a word. She knows where this is going.

She closes her eyes and holds her closer.]

[Leaving it at that, Ellie just... shuts off for a little while, counting the beats of Riley's heart. She'll never admit that that's why she likes to lay like this.]

I guess it wasn't my fault when you get down to it.

[But Riley, more than anybody, knows better. She knows what it's like to have someone's blood on your hands. Someone you love.]

Doesn't stop you from feeling like shit.

[Seriously. She has so much blood on her hands. Innocent blood. Family blood.]

I know what that's like.

Yeah.

[Ellie finds Riley's hand. She's never forgotten that story, and only now does she have some idea of what she's been through. What Henry went through, in the moments before...

She feels guilty, for having this second chance. Ellie always gets the second chances. To live after being bitten. Getting Riley and Joel back. Joel, Riley, Henry, Sam, Tess, Sarah... they'd never get that chance.

Survivor's guilt is an insidious thing.]

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