everysecond | IC Voicemail

so learning to make them so you can have one

so important

fine just don't kill me with your cooking.

[It feels good to laugh. To be talking to her again, to have that relief of knowing she's here. Even if the pressure of what's happened is coming back, pushing on her skin like something physical.]

how come you aren't even mad. i basically fuck off and ignore you and don't come home and you act like i was never gone.

[She asks not because she's upset with Riley, but because she's upset with herself. She knows how mad she'd be, how mad she was -- and Riley acts like it's nothing, like she forgives her without a second thought, like she always trusted that Ellie would come back. Riley's always been like this.]

[There's so many things she could say to that. Some magic thing or saying she actually was pissed when she wasn't or actually scolding her. Riley knows that Ellie would probably take it. And if she doesn't then they'd fight and shit would go down.

But the fact is that she's not pissed and wasn't and...

Well, the answer is simple.]

i knew you'd come back for me

[It's not like Riley hasn't seen Ellie cry before, but she's kind of glad that she isn't here to see it now. The long silence means more than anything she could say. Riley has always believed in her.

Ellie doesn't know whether it's stupid or not, but -- Riley's right.]

where are you?

park. want me to wait? or come?

the park is good. not totally ready for the house

i'll stay here then. see you soon?

[Yeah, soon.

It won't take long for Ellie to get there. She smells like horse and hay, she's been hanging out in the stable a lot lately, riding around. The dust of it is in her hair, brushed against her clothes.

When she sees Riley, she tries for a smile.]

Hey. You okay?

[Riley's on her back, juggling rocks with her mind when Ellie comes up. Setting them aside so they don't fall on her, she looks at her girlfriend with a smile.]

Yeah. I'm okay. You?

[Even if Riley's acting casual, she can sense her worry a mile away. She loves her for it, the ability to allow Ellie to act as strong as she truly wants to be, while inviting her to talk if she needs it.

Ellie takes a deep breath and thinks about how she wants to answer, takes the steps toward her slowly, until she's sitting down next to her.

After a few seconds, she heaves a huge sigh and flops across Riley's chest and stomach, heavy dead weight. Oof. After a moment, she gives up the posturing and twists to wrap her arms around Riley and hug. Tightly.]

OOF!

[That air rushes out of her but then she wraps her arms around her girlfriend, petting her hair. If Ellie doesn't want to say shit then she doesn't have to. Riley's still there for her.

Like she said, she knew her girl would come back to her.]

Sorry.

[Ellie intends to say something, honest, but then Riley starts touching her hair. The tension in her shoulders slips away, and she sighs.]

You know those hallucinations we had?

Yeah.

[She keeps petting her, offering what comfort she can. It's probably not much but at least it's something.]

I thought it was Winter again, and I ran. ... Joel came after me.

[She trials off again, shuts her eyes. Fights to keep her voice steady.]

I didn't know it was him.

[Riley doesn't need Ellie to say a word. She knows where this is going.

She closes her eyes and holds her closer.]

[Leaving it at that, Ellie just... shuts off for a little while, counting the beats of Riley's heart. She'll never admit that that's why she likes to lay like this.]

I guess it wasn't my fault when you get down to it.

[But Riley, more than anybody, knows better. She knows what it's like to have someone's blood on your hands. Someone you love.]

Doesn't stop you from feeling like shit.

[Seriously. She has so much blood on her hands. Innocent blood. Family blood.]

I know what that's like.

Yeah.

[Ellie finds Riley's hand. She's never forgotten that story, and only now does she have some idea of what she's been through. What Henry went through, in the moments before...

She feels guilty, for having this second chance. Ellie always gets the second chances. To live after being bitten. Getting Riley and Joel back. Joel, Riley, Henry, Sam, Tess, Sarah... they'd never get that chance.

Survivor's guilt is an insidious thing.]

[She gives her hand a squeeze then looks up at the sky above them. One day they won't have this anymore. These days have been the most amazing thing for her, even with all the trials. Riley doesn't want them to end but...

She closes her eyes.]

Have you talked to him since then?

He told me it wasn't my fault. Asked when I was coming home.

[Riley's heartbeat has been all over the place, but never any one beat for very long. Steady, regardless. Ellie counts them again, always in groups of two. Two heartbeats, twenty, two hundred...]

Like it didn't even matter.

[It still makes no sense to her. That love could be unconditional, that it could endure so much.]

...He loves you.

[At least he treats Ellie well. He's a dick to her but at least Riley knows her girl is always in good hands with him.]

[It hits her like a punch in the jaw. It's something she knows, has known for a long time, but to hear Riley say it so casually, out loud, aches inexplicably. She's left blinking back tears, breathing shallowly to avoid letting them go.]

He tried to get me to go. So I wouldn't have to watch.

I mean, even like that, and all he could think about was protecting me.

[Her voice cracks, and she half-laughs.]

He's just like you, you know. Like that.

It's what people do when they love other people. They don't think about themselves. They think about the other person instead.

[Which Ellie needs and deserves. She's been through so much shit that she needs to just have the good in the world now. It's all that she wants for her. Ellie seriously deserves it...seriously.]

[Ellie's fingers grip Riley's tightly, then relax.]

Remember the first time I hugged you?

[She nods a little.]

Yeah. I remember.

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